Sex (or lack of) and the Single Geek

Published on February 14, 2006 By geekinthecity In Personal Relationships

Yet another Valentine's Day has passed and just like most that preceded it, I've been left dateless. For a proportion larger than the general population those in the fields of information technology, mathematics or sciences face similar difficulties in the romantic area. Without a doubt fixing missing DLL errors and performing spyware exorcism has a detrimental effect on the possibility of having a love life. Does the old nerd stereotype stand in the way of companionship or is there a biological link between geekiness and romantic ineptitude.

Of course, I've tried online dating, but so far not so good. I've haven't been able to get past the second e-mail. No matter how many messages I send responses come very far and few between. Feeling rejected and wondering where I went wrong, echoes back to when I was high school humiliating myself every time I tried to talk girls. That was also the time I first got interested in computers. At least with computers the error messages gave me have a chance of figuring out what I was doing wrong. My understanding of computers increased immensely in those years since, but my understanding of how to get a date remains virtually nonexistent.

I know that I'm not unique in this situation. Many of those who hide behind computers, game consoles or comic books don't know how to satisfy that drive that has nothing to do with magnetic or optical media. For them there has to be enough demand for self help love advice books for the pocket protector set.

Now in my early 30's being alone doesn't feel very good, but there maybe some remote hope that on some distant planet there is someone who doesn't believe that the nerd stereotype is true, somebody who look past my lack of experience and can make me happy and I can make her happy. I'm hoping that my closest relationship with a metal box full of silicon innards, to someone, soft and warm who will tell me what the error messages really mean.

Comments

Phil Osborn

on Feb 14, 2006

There are both cultural and likely biological reasons, some of which you doubtless know, but (I hate to break it to you) knowing doesn't necessarily help.

Biologically, intelligence can mask other undesirable traits. You might be nearsighted - before corrective technology - but very bright, and have figured out ways around the problem, adjusted your lifestyle, etc., so that you are high up on the tribal totem pole in terms of actual well-being. But, intelligence for men is inherited almost entirely from the mother, while inheritance of physical traits are generally 50/50 from both parents. So, the fact that you are smart does your boy children no good genetically, while they very likely will inherit your nearsightedness.

So, any woman who is sexually turned on by geekiness - or at least geekiness accompanied by a high IQ - is not serving her genetic interest. Intelligence is thus biologically a natural turnoff. Of course, daughters inherit everything from both sides, but who cares? Mothers and fathers both put much more value upon sons in just about every culture that ever existed, which is a separate line of causality genetically, summed up with the notion of just how many offspring (as in the revelation that most of the human race alive today can count Gengis Khan as an ancestor) downstream will benefit from a really terrifically endowed daughter, vs. a mildly endowed son who is sexy - i.e., not intelligent, but able to survive anyway.

I suspect that women are even attracted to really stupid or mentally defective guys, which is why rock stars go out of their way to behave as if... If you're a real dummy, but make it in society anyway, then you must have really good genes in other departments.

This also ties into the kind of strategies that women use to get a man, usually involving fairly transparent deceptions. A guy with intelligence is also likely to have principles and treat women as fairly as possible. Dumb women, no matter how pretty, will ultimately bore him to distraction. So, women who behave duplicitously or constantly play head games or insist that they be treated like queens, instead of fellow human beings or friends, get the stupid, immature guys, again with the good compensating physical genes. This is one reason why, despite all the rhetoric, women still go for abusive jocks over tender-hearted geeks, almost every time.

I'm certain - because I've seen it - that some women in each generation reject this aspect of their sisterhood and play it straight with men, and end up terrifically happy with some intelligent guy. However, statistically they don't matter.

Consider that for many generations, getting married was like committing suicide. If you remained a spinster, you could expect to live 50 or more years. But if you had children, your life expectancy dropped to the 30's, due to childbed fever primarilly.

So, why get married? What a STUPID thing to do! But those women who didn't have kids, didn't pass on their bright idea to their kids, right? Those women and societies that provided justifications and social mechanisms - pressures, stigmatization, etc. - (your sacred role as a MOTHER!) for motherhood and marriage, survived - at the cost of the women's health and longevity, but so what? The irrational women created the women's culture! And that is what we have today.

And the rare woman who breaks free of all that preprogrammed nonsense has fifty smart guys bidding for her.

You can't win. Or maybe you could take some dumbing pills. There are drugs that permanently lower your intelligence, but just taking valium might be enough. Or extacy maybe?

Trudygolightly

on Feb 15, 2006

Ahhhhh, now this isn't too hard to do, just hang out at the laundromat on Saturdays, when ladies have to get their clothes done
before the work week. No, I'm not being sarcastic, I see lots of gals at the laundromat on weekends. They aren't all with kids and
boyfriends.

Join a few clubs, activities you really like and meet some gals there.
Join a church.
Hang out at a coffee house. The local one here has tons of 30-somethings hanging out, lots of pretty young things
Join a health club, or take up walking on Saturdays.

Lots of ways to meet gals,

dharmagrl

on Feb 15, 2006

Talk to me. I know a few young geekettes who often complain to me that they can't find anyone either....so drop me a line and I'll see what I can do (dharmagirl69@gmail.com)

I dunno if this helps or not, but I think that a smart man is a hell of a lot sexier than an unbearably handsome man, and my research tells me I'm not alone.

Jythier

on Feb 15, 2006

So that's why all those brilliant Kings always had sons that ruined the kingdom. Never knew that! Luckily for my intelligent self, online dating did work, and I'm now married. So there are success stories out there. Yours could be next!

Locamama

on Feb 15, 2006

There's someone out there for you, you just have to hang in there until you find them. I think the main thing is to really get out there. Don't worry so much about if they think you are boyfriend material, worry about whether they are the kind of woman you would like to spend time with.

Did you ever watch beauty and the geek. Lots of geeks find their inner stud muffin. Most just seem to need that boost of confidence. At some point woman get tired of the wild guys who don't hold a steady job and never call when they say they will.

My suggestion would be to take a dance class. I've been taking swing dance lessons. It's fun, social and casual and there are always more men than women, so you would automatically be in demand.

KarmaGirl

on Feb 15, 2006

Phil, your post looks like justification why somebody wouldn't date you. Interesting, but life doesn't really work that way. Women aren't as concerned with looks as men are. If that were the case, why do you see a lot of attractive women with ugly men? It's because women want men who aren't jerks above what they look like.

Geekinthecity:
Online dating works for some, but not many. Most of the geeks that i know that tried it haven't had much luck.

The best thing to do is to get out from behind the computer now and then and do something that interacts with humans you don't work with...and I mean in person. XBOX live doesn't count.

Art classes at night at community colleges work well for this. A lot of women take these types of classes. If you are a true Geek, you could also look into teaching a college computer class. Make sure that it is introductory and is aimed at women. Therefore you get the "idol" factor from them and might even get to know them better by fixing their home PC for them.

There are a lot of women who are attracted to geeks. I work in a company of geeks, and a lot of them are married or have a significant other. The key is that you have to socialize outside of work and talk about things other than how bad a drive was fragged or how sucky ME is.

garsgolfer

on Feb 15, 2006

Check out a recent article published 2/14/06, titled "NOW, IT'S GOOD TO BE GEEK", written by Joanne Ostrow, The Denver Post. Whether it's a reality for you or not, GEEKS get all the babe's these days and more importantly, their not trying to get them. All you have to do is put yourself out there.

SanChonino

on Feb 15, 2006

geekinthecity - I sympathize. It sucks to be alone on Valentine's day, especially when all your friends are with their significant others and you're sitting at home doing your damn homework . . . I hate online classes.

But - keep the hope alive. I have a really good friend who, I'd wager, may have been the biggest geek I've ever met in my short 22 years of life. He had never had a girlfriend while growing up (I'd had a couple - this kid practically worshipped me because I went out with a cheerleader for a while back in high school) but he's recently found the right person.
My advice - similar to what other people have said here, and that's to be expected, but you can trust me, because I'm in a similar boat - get out there to meet people - just DON'T BE OVERT ABOUT IT. The minute people know you're desperately looking is the moment they all run away. Get out and meet people - some of these other suggestions are great, church, art classes, etc. - and just be yourself, don't act over-the-top or desperate, and someone will come along who can appreciate your love of the big silicon box.

adnauseam

on Feb 15, 2006

Geek or not, you need to get out and about. Go to dance clubs, discos, singles clubs and dating clubs. If you keep at it you'll find someone. There are a lot of "Geekesses" out there just waiting for a nice man.

CariElf

on Feb 16, 2006

Even female geeks such as myself can have trouble finding someone. I've recently met someone through LoveHappens.com, though, so I'm hopeful that things will go well.

You may also want to check out www.gk2gk.com which is a matchmaking site aimed at matching geeks. There's definitely more men than women on the site so far, but it's been improving.

mignuna

on Feb 16, 2006

I dunno if this helps or not, but I think that a smart man is a hell of a lot sexier than an unbearably handsome man, and my research tells me I'm not alone.

listen to dharma - she is very wise and speaks the truth. the geek shall inherit the earth !.

mig xxx

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